The Snog of Deadly Misery
by mismatchedsocktwins
Summary: Sirius has a particularly crazy girlfriend with a vicious family who hates dogs. Well, this is to make a truly strange tale. Sirius' PoV
1. Chapter 1

The Snog of Deadly Misery

**The Snog of Deadly Misery.**

**Sirius' PoV. **

**Disclaimer: Neither Lara or I are J K Rowling. Good guess though!**

I was enjoying a particularly good snog with a Hufflepuff girl named Betty. We were just getting into the heat of the kiss when she pulled away. I wasn't happy about the sudden change, but I guess I'd put up with it. He was going to dump her in a few hours anyway.

Or so he thought.

She sighed contently. "Sirius, I'm so in love with you, I feel like I could tell you anything!" She gushed.

I smiled in spite of the very bad turn in my good day. "That's great." I lied.

"I just _need_ to tell someone more about myself. And you are just the _perfect _person!" I sighed and leaned back against the wall of the broom closet. _This was going to be a long discussion_, I thought.

"Well, where to start…" And she talked. Talked for hours about her life and her old school. I was just about to fall asleep, when something she said caught my attention and brought me to a position of sitting straight up with wide eyes.

"I absolutely detest dogs!"

"Wait! What was that last thing you said?" I asked worriedly.

"Dogs, you know those disgusting, drooling, slobbery, noisy, smelly creatures. I despise them."

"Wh-why would you say that?" I could feel my face grow pale with every word she spoke.

"Look at them! They're hideous! And messy! And disgusting! My dad shot one the other night. He wrote me about it. It was going to be hit by a car, so he shot it to take it out of its misery. Turned out the car swerved. But now we have a lovely new dog-skin rug!"

"Yeah?" My face was pale, my voice notched up a few octaves.

"Yeah! Oh! I didn't even begin to tell you about my family! My mother, she drowned trying to kill a swimming dog." I must have gasped in horror at the thought of my own demise, because she soon said, "I know, isn't it really sad? But, anyway, she got the dog! And my brother, he likes fire. A lot. An unnatural love of fire. He likes to burn the bodies of my ex boyfriends. Isn't that really sweet?"

My face was white. My eyes were wide. All thoughts of dumping this chick had flown from my head in an instant. "Yeah, he sounds like a real sweet heart." My voice was dazed and not my own.

"He is!" She continued to gush. "And before that, he beheads them!"

"He does?" I tried to make it sound like I was overjoyed about that. It came out more like a whimper.

"And my baby brother, he likes to chew through wood! And my boyfriends. It's really cute!"

"He sounds adorable." _Oh God! I needed to get out of here and fast! Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!_

"And my dad hangs up my ex's heads on our wall! It's like a memorial of their stupid choice to dump me!"

"Would you look at the time? Dinner's calling me for James, got to go!" I looked at my watch less wrist and ran from the broom closet and to the great hall before realizing my sentence was a little off. I was definitely disoriented.

"James!" I screamed, my voice still too high for my liking. He turned after a moment to look at me, eyes worried.

He groaned. "What did you do this time, Padfoot?" I glared at him quickly before remembering my crazed girlfriend.

"No! It's this girl I was snogging!" I started.

"Oh brother," James said as Remus rolled his eyes.

"No! Take me seriously! She's a psychopath! And her family! They hate dogs and her mum died while killing a dog and her dad hangs boyfriend heads on the wall and her brother burns people and her baby brother chews through boyfriends!" I panted. I was nearly hysterical. James and Remus looked at me like I was crazy.

"Sirius are you sure…" Remus started.

"Yes I'm sure! She just told me and… I'm a dog… and a boyfriend… and I was going to dump her… but now I don't dare to! Think of what her family will do to me?" I was in hysterics. I was panting for air. How could I die? I was so young!

"Listen, Padfoot, I think you're overreacting…" James began, only to be cut off by none other than Sirius.

"I do not ever over exaggerate anything!" I roared.

"Yes you do, but I said overreact, not over exaggerate." James smirked at my obvious lack of attention.

"I don't do that either!" And with that I huffed away. My friends were no help anyway…

"Sirius!" Oh no! It was her! I thought about running, but… I didn't eat and my energy level was really low and, I didn't run. I turned slowly to face my doom.

"Hi, Sirius. I just wanted to say thanks for listening to closely to everything I had to say, and I know that next time will be even better! So, are you ready to tell me about your family?" I contemplated this in my mind. She wouldn't be able to tell me about her fire obsessive brother, but what was I supposed to say? My brothers a death eater, my parents aren't, but support the dark lord, you know that guy who's trying to take over the world and kill all those people? Yeah, that sounds like a nice life story!

"Er, my family's not really that interesting… How about we don't talk for a bit?" I suggested.

"What are you suggesting?" She looked hurt. "Do you not care what I have to say? Is this the stage before you break up with me?" My mind race through thoughts, most of which involved my head resting on her wall.

"No!" I screamed. "I just thought…" What did I thought? "I thought… That… We should take a brake for today! You can talk all you want tomorrow, but don't you think you've told me enough today?"

"Well, I guess you're right. I'll see you tomorrow then! Bye Sirius!" She turned and skipped down the hall. I stood in my tracks for a few seconds before I heard laughter behind me. I whipped around and saw James, Remus, and Peter standing before me.

"How's you're girlfriend doing?" James asked smirking.

"It sounds like a very nice relationship. Though you really should tell her about your family," Remus scolded. I glared at him.

"The only problem I could see was that when she came over, you stiffened up and turned real pale!" Peter piped up.

"I hate you guys." I muttered. "I'm going through a time where the chance of me dying is so high, and you're joking around about my death!" They laughed harder. I groaned and stomped off to the dormitories. My restless sleep was filled with visions of my head hanging on a wall.

Morning couldn't have come sooner, much to my dismay. I opened my eyes on a bright Sunday morning.

_I need a plan. _

"James." I said jumping onto his bed "You need to help me break up with my girlfriend."

"Go… away… you… fucking moron." James said in a tone that would have been peaceful, if it weren't for the startling curses to his BESTest best friend!

"Is that honestly how you treat me? Your bestest best friend! Fine, I'll wake Moony up!" I then proceeded to Remus' bed to pour water upon the sleeping boy.

Remus eyes flashed open before I could dump water on him. "You will _not_ dump that on me." It was a statement that I thought about making false, but the look upon the face of a wolf-boy stopped me. Remus could look quite evil when he tried. Actually he looked utterly malevolent!

"I need help." I started.

"Coffee first." Remus said simply. I glared at him.

"I have a very serious issue and you…"

"Don't want to hear it till I get my coffee!" He bellowed in my face. _Fine_, I thought.

"PETER!" I sang, skipping to his bed and prodding him viciously. I was replied by an exceptionally loud snore. "Some help you are!" I muttered as I turned back to James and Remus. James had fallen back into a peaceful slumber. We couldn't have that!

_Levicorpus_, I thought, picking my wand up off of my side table. James was suddenly suspended in midair.

"You " **(This content has been taken out for… creative language of males who do not like being woken by suspension in midair.)**

What would his mother say? "I'll pretend I didn't hear that, James." I told him calmly. "Now, I need help…"

"Let me down." James said angrily.

"That girl, you know the one from last night, yeah, I want to break up with her and…"

"Let me down." James said again with more malice.

"And she wants to behead me if I do that. So I want to break up with her, but should I…"

"Sirius, if you don't get me down from here this instant I'll cut off all of your hair while you're sleeping. Let. Me. Down."

"No! Not my beautiful, gorgeous, lovely, down-right wonderful, marvelous…"

"Shut the hell up and let me down NOW!" James screamed louder than Lily when she is particularly angry. I decided that he must really want to get down. "Sirius, if you don't…" But I let James down -rather painfully- before he could say anything more. He was being quite rude.

The next thing I knew I'm being knocked to the ground and viciously punched, kicked, scratched, and bitten. I felt him tugging at my hair, trying to tear it out. "No!" I screeched. "No! No! No! Remus, help me!" I shrieked.

Remus, however, was nearly falling off of his bed laughing. This was _not _funny. Okay, so if it were James and Peter it might be funny. Well, it'd be very funny.

"Remus!" I shrieked. After a few more moments (and painful tugs of the hair) later, Remus tore James away from me and sent him to the other side of the room.

We stood there, glaring at each other. "Mmm… I'm hungry." Peter mumbled groggily. "What's up with those two?" Peter indicated to James and me.

"Nothing, Peter. They're just morons who had a small spat." Remus responded.

**So that's chapter one. There will be one more chapter, I think. Probably one more. Maybe we'll write that after food. Food's good. Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2.**

"Sirius!"

"Oh no, she found me!" I exclaimed.

"You're sitting in the middle of the Great Hall, Sirius." Remus pointed out.

"Sirius, you just _have_ to see this picture!" _She_ called.

"Oh, hello… Betty." I shuddered slightly at the name; she was too daft to notice.

"Okay, my dad just sent me these! Look, see? Dogs! All dead!" She shoved the picture in my face. I glanced at it and my eyes widened. The poor dog! It was… mangled and… garbled and… dismemberedly DEAD!

"That's great." I squeaked. I could just hear James sniggering at me.

"I know! My family is soo sweet! I love them! You'll have to come home with me next vacation to meet them. A whole week! Oh you'll love them!"

I was petrified at the very thought. "I… would…love to?" It sounded much like a question.

"Yes! I'll start making the arrangements!" She skipped off to god only knows where. Probably an evil place with dog heads and ex-boyfriend arms dangling from the ceiling.

"James!" I shrieked. "You have to help me NOW!" James was laughing. Laughing in my time of need. I always hated him… "Remus! Help me!" He was laughing too! Were there no decent people in the world anymore?

"Remus! James! Help!" I screamed. I then noticed that the entire of the Great Hall was looking at me strangely. "What are you looking at? I'm not crazy!" I then dashed from the hall.

James and Remus walked to me smirking. I was hyperventilating on the floor of the corridor outside of the Great Hall. "Dog… and… heads… and… Betty… and… no… and… brother…"

"Quit babbling, Sirius. We've got a plan already." Remus said in that way that said that he was getting annoyed.

"You do?" I asked hopefully. "You do love me!" I jumped to my feet and hugged them.

"Yeah, yeah… go with that and get off of me." James said as he shoved me away.

"So what's the plan?" I asked.

"You'll go on a date with her." Remus said.

"That won't…"

"And you'll break up with her." James started again.

"But she'll…"

"And we'll be there for reinforcements." Remus finished.

I thought about this. It didn't seem like a very good plan. "I don't know…"

"So you'll go around the rest of your life like _this_." Remus looked me up and down and shook his head. They were right. Damn.

"Fine," I muttered.

"Tonight," After seeing my reaction James added. "It won't get any better."

* * *

I sat upon my bed rocking back and forth hugging my knees and mumbling incoherently to myself.

"Padfoot, it's really not _that_ bad," Peter tried to console me. "The worst thing that could happen is…" Peter began counting things on his fingers.

"You could get shot; quick I guess. Unless, of course you get shot in the wrong place." I whimpered. "Burned. _Ooh_, that sounds painful. Drowned. Ugh, you can't breathe, there's water all around you and you find yourself dying at the bottom of a lake!" I started to rock faster, making weird noises all the while. "Beheaded. Glad it's not me! It would be fast though!" Peter added. "And then you could get gnawed through. Oh god!" Was Peter's only exclamation. _Why was I cursed with these dashing good looks? _

The door suddenly smashed open. I yelped and dove for cover under my bed. "God Sirius, it's just us." James muttered walking in and sitting on his bed.

"Well, you never know do you?" I asked my voice quavering. "I don't know who I can trust anymore."

"Well pull yourself together; you need to be on your date in a half an hour." Remus told me.

"Half an hour? Half an hour! I can't handle this!" I retreated to back under my bed. I could feel James rolling his eyes at me.

Quite suddenly I was being tugged out from under the bed by my feet. I began to thrash screaming, "No! Don't make me go out there!"

"Calm down, Padfoot! We've got everything set up perfectly. Nothing is going to go wrong." James tried to console me, though it didn't work very well with the screams that were coming from my mouth at being dragged across the floor and thrown into the bathroom.

"Take a shower, comb your hair, and be ready in twenty minutes!" Remus yelled through the door. I whimpered one last time before taking my shower…

We were walking to the Room of Requirement when Remus, obviously noticing my fidgety-ness, said, "All you have to do is tell her how nice she looks, and then break up with her politely."

"I can't do this! I've never done something like this before!"

"What are you talking about, Sirius? You breakup with girls all the time!" James exclaimed.

"But not with a girl who wants to behead me!" I shrieked, trying to turn around and run. Dammit, Remus was one step ahead of me and grabbed me at the elbow.

"Sirius, you can do this, just give her this flower and remember we'll be with you the whole time." James told me. I took the flower and thought of different ways I could give it to her.

When we arrived I tried to run away one last time. "Sirius, be a man."

"I don't wanna!" I cried. "Well, I mean I wanna be one of those nice little ten year old boys who can't get in trouble and can't do something like this!"

"You're a Gryffindor, you can do this." Remus said.

I sighed. He was right, maybe I couldn't do this, but I was a Gryffindor and I couldn't ruin my Marauder reputation now. I walked through the big doors after James patted me on the shoulder.

"Hi Sirius," _she_ said smiling when I walked in.

"Betty! Hello. This flower for you I got." I thought I heard a snicker from outside thee door.

"That's really sweet, Sirius! It's beautiful!" She exclaimed.

"I'm happy it you like." I said, not even realizing that I wasn't really talking right. She gave me an odd look and turned away to another door.

"Come on, I thought of this room special." She said. I followed her reluctantly. When I entered the room, I tried not to scream in fright. There were dogs hung around the room: heads mounted on walls, paws dangling from the ceiling. I felt something fuzzy at my feet and looked down to see dog skinned rugs at my feet. I tried not to scream.

"See this one," she pointed to a large, black shaggy dog. "That's the one I killed myself." _It looks like me._ "Isn't it so ugly?" I nodded, but my mouth wouldn't supply words for me to use.

"Come on, the salad should be served soon." She smiled and took my hand as she led me to a table near a large wardrobe. I thought I heard something rattling from within the wardrobe. I didn't even want to know what _that_ was.

_Meanwhile_

"_God, Peter! Get your elbow away from my ribs!" James whispered furiously. _

"_It's better than where he's got his knee." Remus sounded faint. James chuckled lightly at this. _

"_Sorry." _

We ate our salad in a peaceful chat, most of which she supplied because my sentences were a little off.

"So do you like the salad?" She asked me.

"Very good is it!" I exclaimed. I thought she was trying to give me a disapproving look, but she almost looked like she was… _laughing_ at me.

"Ooh! Here comes the main course!" She exclaimed. "Dog soufflé!"

"Why do call it that you?" I was getting more worried.

"Because it's made of dog, silly!" I shrieked.

"I can't take it anymore! You're insane! You… and your family! I can't stand it!" I screamed for a while until I realized that the wardrobe was wide open and James, Peter and Remus were lying on the floor laughing. I looked over to see Betty laughing as well. "Wait… what… and… what?"

"April…" James started but couldn't finish through his laughing.

"Fools!" Peter finished. My mind couldn't register what they were saying for at least a full minute.

"You." I pointed a shaking finger at the three laughing boys. "How could you?"

"Remember that love note to Lily last year that you said was from me?" I furrowed my brow trying to remember. "The one that just said that I wanted to shag her 'cause she was so sexy?" I smiled remembering.

"And you told me that we had a Transfiguration quiz when we didn't and I got all worried that I would fail!" Peter added.

"And you told everyone that I was gay and Carly broke up with me."

"But… that's funny! This is cruel!"

"No, this is hysterical! The look on your face!" James yelled.

I glared at him before looking at Betty. "And you! You were in on all of this!"

"Hey, I was paid well. Plus, I had to see if you snog as well as everyone says."

I smirked. "And do I?" I asked, knowing the answer.

My answer was wrong… "Eh, I've had better."

"No! I'm amazing at this! This is my thing!"

"I'll give you points for the hair though; very nice." I smiled, I could live with that.

"And you three better just wait till next year comes around. You'll be sorry." I made to stomp out of the room angrily, but I couldn't help turning around and asking, "So, Betty, does this mean you still want to go out with me?" I asked with my signature Sirius smirk.

She laughed. "No thanks, Sirius. Your hair isn't _that_ great." James and Remus and Peter howled with laughter as I glared at them.

"You'll regret this, boys." And with that I stomped out of the room with plans of next year envisioning in my head.

**Yay, that's done now. Maybe a sequel? About the next year? Review!**


End file.
